Don't Fk with Link
by Queens of the mole people
Summary: Link recall's his journey through the windwaker time line. Mature warnings for extreme profanity and offensive subjects and some violence. This is very OOC and is quite the parody indeed. But, it does depict why you just shouldn't f**k with Link.
1. Outset

Firstly I would like to say I love gay people! So please don't take any offence to this!~ It's just random crap. Other than that, enjoy :)

**Chapter 1: Outset**

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So here I am, having a birthday, you know like a normal boy. It was an ordinary day, all 8 inhabitants of my island were out tending to the weeds and dirt patches in front of their houses, or the three wild pigs that lived there.

I was talking to my sister up on the huge watch tower we have when she told me grams was looking for me, so, not being a complete dick I went to go see my grandma. Even though I'd just seen her 4 minutes ago, but hey she's old, she might of forgot.

I ran through the town and when I was half there some old guy with an egg head was screaming at me. Seriously, did I know him? Because with a population of 8 I really shoulda seen this guy before. But hey I wasn't one to complain, until he invited me in and just talked shit at me and then complained about his brother. Then I was bored, so I smashed all his pots and left. Fuck that loser.

I made it to grams and she told me she was making me soup for dinner. Guess there'd be one less pig running around, she was sneaky.

She made me wear these old clothes, but I wasn't about to complain even though it was hot as hell and I was now wearing long sleeves and pants. Whatever.

So she told me to go get Aryll, I don't know why I didn't just bring her back with me! So I ran back across, got her, she gave me her telescope which was cool, I mean I have _no clue _where the fuck she got it, all that the boat shop sells is pears and berries. Dunno.

So then I was looking around with it and I saw that homo post man doing his thang over by the post box, 'cept then he started freeking out, I thought he was dancing at first but then I looked up and I was like

"**HOLY FUCK**" Cause there was a motherfucking bird monster up in the sky! Holy shit!

It dropped this girl into the forest. So I went and talked to some old guy, got a sword and went to save her, cause I'm a very chivalrous guy.

Course there were monsters hanging around in the forest though, they musta got a call or something cause they were just all set up waiting. So I got rid of them, they were easy shit anyways. I also found 50 rupees in a log. Cool beans.

I went up to the tree the girl was in and she fell out, she told me she was a pirate, but I was sure she was a _lesbian_. Her pirate first mate came to get her, though he was pretty gay. I was busy rolling my eyes as we came out and I didn't notice that motherfucking monster bird come back and steal Aryll! Well I noticed, but only when I'd launched myself from the cliff. That lesbian grabbed me though, she was so _**unaware**_ that I could fly! I coulda saved my sister!

So I punched her in the tits and ran down to get the shield from my grams so I could go save Aryll, but grams hid it! She really didn't want me to go, but I had to.

When I went back down to the shore there was a huge pirate ship! Guess they weren't lying after all. The post man was still there though, he was rambling and thought he knew shit! So I smacked him in the shins and then the head with my shield.

Don't fuck with Link.

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So there you have it, the first chapter. Now I know it's not top quality like the rest of our crazy shiz, but I have to say this is not the best chapter. We had a blackout tonight and I sat down and wrote 4 chapters, so if you even remotely liked this at all, you'll definitely like the next ones better! I'll put them up day by day!~

Don't forget to comment and give some lovin, see yahh~


	2. Pirate Ship

Again I'd like to mention Link doesn't share my views! I love gay people 3

**Chapter 2: Pirate Ship**

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...next thing I know I was on some poofy pirate ship with a bunch of flaming idiots. I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into.

The girl was the man of the group and even then you could tell she was a lesbian! As we were pulling away from my island, I was crying, waving to my frail little grandmother and all that sappy manly shit and this bitch was lounging on the side of the ship like she was posing for a porn shoot! I mean COME ON.

She told me to go down below deck and speak with some guy named Niko. I was especially happy that he didn't look about to rape my fine ass.

I started to head down below, there really wasn't much to this giant ship, I'll tell you why soon.

Before that, I rounded down the stairs and I was looking around, y'know, getting my sense of the area together when this guy popped outta the lesbians bedroom and went

"OOOh" I pretty much jumped out of my hero's clothes, I mean _how_ is that in any way a way to great someone! Seriously, this was fucked.

So he continued to talk to me about shit I didn't care about. I woulda set him on fire or something but I'd left my lighter in my other outfit. Bummer, so I stood there and listened as he wiggled his ass and flicked his wrist. _You're a Pirate!_ I wanted to yell. What kind of pirate wears lip gloss!

I practically ran down the stairs into the main hull part or whatever that shit is called and met Niko. Now let me tell you about the lack of stuff on this ship.

Niko thought it'd be great to set up the whole hull of the ship with rising platforms, so in the very off chance someone like me came around, he could test my skill. I had to hop across these platforms and let me tell you...

it was the easiest shit I've ever done in my life. So that was a waste of space. These idiots don't even have bombs or weaponry on board! One cannon, no cannon balls below deck! _HOW_ will they defend against an attack.

At that point I knew my life was going to be made hell.

Once I reached the other side Niko greeted me with his seedy little smile and gross stubby body. I mean

come on, I'm like what, 13? He was a good head shorter than me.

He told me to go into the room behind him to collect my 'treasure', I had to say for the first time since I'd gotten on that ship I was excited. What could it be? I thought. Rupees? A spoils bag to hold jewelry that I'd steal from enemies? Maybe a pear? It was such a mystery and I was wiggling in my spot in suspense. I walked past Niko and opened the door only to have my hopes fall into the deepest pits of hell, and I say that lightly.

All of the male pirates were in there, rave music, disco light, martini's, and a sign that said "THUPER GHEY PARTY" In huge rainbow letters.

Let me just say I ran back to that obstacle course, grabbed one of the lanterns and set that room on fire, shut the door and listened to them burn.

Don't fuck with Link.


	3. Forsaken Fortress

Just putting my routine disclaimer here saying that all of these terrible views are just for the lulz, I really love gay people and I have nothing against lesbians at all!

**Chapter 3: Forsaken Fortress**

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...next thing I know that bitch lesbian had me in a barrel on the edge of a catapult. She musta drugged me or something because I sure as hell didn't get myself into that barrel and I would never willingly let her clammy little lesbian hands anywhere near my gorgeous body.

So here I was, huffing and grunting to try and get out of this stupid barrel and this douche bag starts lecturing me about how they had the most fucking perfect aim in the world and they were going to LAUNCH me over into that fortress!

You can imagine how fast my balls jumped up into my body at how scared I was. Yeah, pretty damn fast.

They launched me alright, right into the CONCRETE! I was going at least 40mph and let me tell you, the impact wasn't pleasant. I'm sure I broke my nose on impact. I landed on water, not sure if I was unconscious during the fall and then the water woke me up or what.

The second that I popped my nose back into place and snorted out the blood I swore if I ever saw that blonde bitch again that I'd break _her_ nose and then set her on fire. I was definitely pissed off.

Just my luck, that she'd placed a magical communication crystal into my pocket when I was drugged before I was in that barrel. She started talking to me. It went a little like this:

"Heh Link, I put this crystal here so I could talk to you. Clearly you can hear me, and I can see where you're going so if you hear it blink take it out of your pocket"

"Bitch you think I want to fucking hear your dead-ass voice again in my life!"

She didn't get a chance to say anything before that crystal was wedged down in between my nuts that had somehow come back out for air. I did hear her scream though, nice.

So then after she was scarred for life I re-pocked that crystal anyways. I mean if some island I ended up on was poor enough and didn't have cell phones they'd kill to have this shit.

Did I forget to mention when I hit the wall my sword fell all the way up top of the tower? I didn't? Oh , WELL IT DID. So now I'm weaponless, stranded in a concrete fortress I know jack shit about. What a vacation.

I was starting to think my sister's life wasn't worth this bullshit. But i was already here, so I started to make my way through. It was hard to get past the fat ass guards, but I just made them drop their lanterns and set them selves on fire. If I'd gotten that spoils bag I woulda been able to have pocketed their necklaces, but no such luck for me.

I travelled all the way around, killed all the motherfucking bokobos who somehow had gained a JOB, working important search lights. Yeah this Ganon fucker, he's a dumbshit. But whatever it's his fortress, I won't tell him how to run it.

I ran past more guards, pushed them off cliffs, you know the norm.

I finally got to the top room, got my sword back and I was up around 200 rupees, not bad for a night on the town.

Got into the room, there was my sister and two ugly bitches. I was about to tell the one who looked like a lesbian to keep her hands off of my sister but that stupid fucking bird came back and lifted me up out of the room!

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THAT SUFFEREING AGAIN! I just gave Aryll hope that I was coming to save her and that bird has it fucking coming now.

He lifted me up to see Ganon sitting in his tree house and I swore my head off at him before booting that bird right in the nipple. It tossed me across the ocean but not before I broke it's ability to lactate from 1/how ever many nipples. Tough shit.

Don't fuck with Link.

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Really shouldn't fuck with him, the guy will twist your nipples off, yeesh~ Thanks for reading guys :D


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